Monday, November 2, 2009

The Best Names in College Football today

Lets call it the Anti-John David Booty All-Stars.  Because it is not okay for quarterbacks to start throwing the middle name in there like crappy teen actors and 70's serial killers. 

College Football has a rich history of great names from Major Applewhite to Knowshon Moreno, and this year is no different.

Starting at QB: Jacory Harris, Miami
I just love this name.  If my name was Jacory Harris, I would run at least a 4.5 40.  If Cory Bradford had been named Jacory Bradford, he would have put up at least 20 a game.  Also, he probably would have been able to dunk.

Starting at RB: Isaiah Pead, Cincinati
It is pronounced exactly how you would hope.  I imagine young Isaiah went through an awful lot.  Children can be very cruel and hillarious.

Starting at WR: Duke Calhoun, Memphis
Might be the best name in the whole bunch.  Colonel Duke Calhoun sounds like someone from Band of Brothers.  I would go to war with someone named Duke Calhoun.  Or at least play a couple of games of Call of Duty with him and then watch Glory

WR Junior Hemingway, Michigan
During the UI-Michigan game on Saturday, there were times that Hemingway was matched up against Illinois DB Hawthorne.  It had to have been a thrill for fans of books. (I could have put a 'he wrote Young Man and the Pond' joke here, but that would have been stupid)

WR Jock Sanders, West Virgina
Sounds like the worst rash medication powder of all-time.  It is also is a self-fulfilling-prophecy type of name.  If you name your kid Nerd Liebowitz he is probably not gonna come out of the womb dribbling a basketball.

Starting OL Eric Block, Illinois
I had to get the Illini in here somewhere.  It is a good name for an offensive lineman to have.  Unless it becomes ironic.  Like if he doesn't block anybody.  Like what happened for the first 7 games of the season.

Starting DB, Syd'Quan Thompson, California
A great example of how the apostrophe has really opened up a whole new genre of names.

Starting LB, Michael Mohamed, California
I like this guy because he is a laid-back follower of Allah.  He may not spell Muhammed right, he may or may not pray to Mecca three times a day. 

LB, Bear Woods, Troy
No word on whether he is named after an actual forest or not.

LB, Brandon Spikes, Florida
Not quite as good  of a name as his brother Takeo, but still solid.  Doesn't hurt that he backs it up as one of the best players in the nation.

DE, Un'tavious Scott, Tulsa
Go ahead, make a joke.  I'm naming my first-born Un'tavious.

Not making the list: "Boom" Herron RB OSU.  I don't like it when running backs take a nickname like that.  Like Bam Morris from Texas Tech in the 90's and Smash Williams from Friday Night Lights.  If I was a good punter, I wouldn't have everyone call me Booter.
I feel the same way about Scoop Jackson.  If your parents named you Scoop and you became a writer, that would be cool.  But now that you became a journalist you want everyone to call you 'Scoop', it is just lame.  It would be like me being like - well, I like to play basketball, call me Dunkmaster.  Despite the fact that I am pretty mediocre at basketball and have never dunked.  I think we should call Scoop "Writer of non-informative and confusing articles" Jackson.  
There, I have waited 3 years to get that off my chest.

1 comment:

  1. Your Jock Sanders piece literally made me cry with joy for about 2 minutes -- nice work!

    But how could you forget country singers in your list of three-name offenders????


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